Kill this guy Remade Lois: It seems today That all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV
Peter: But where are those good old fashioned values
Entire Family: On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a Family Guy Lucky there's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us
Stewie: Laugh and cry!
Entire Family: He's... a.. Fam..ily... Guy!
[The episode begins with Stewie sitting on his high chair and he has a hot dog wiener on his plate]
Stewie: I say, Mother, this hot dog has been on my plate for a full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself.
Lois: [taking the plates out from the cupboard and placing them on the table] Honey, I'll be right there.
Stewie: [sarcastically] Oh, by all means, take your time. Oh, and when you do finally get around to it, I'll be the one covered in flies... with a belly that protrudes halfway to bloody Boston!
Meg: [enters the kitchen] Mom, there is no way I'm sleeping in Chris' room this weekend! It smells like old milk in there!
Chris: [enters the kitchen] Hey, if I could find it, I'd clean it up!
Lois: Kids, keep it down. I haven't even told your father that Aunt Marguerite is coming to visit.
Peter: [enters the kitchen quickly] WhosaidMarguerite?
Lois: Peter, it's just for a week.
Peter: A week!? Aw, jeez. No, no, no, no. Please, God, kill me now. No, no, damn, damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a...
Lois: Peter!
Peter: Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear. [Flashback to a Courtroom, where a Bailiff stands facing Peter as he takes an oath]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Peter: I do... you bastard.
Lois: [continuing] I love Aunt Marguerite. Because if it wasn't for her, I never would've met you, Peter. [flashback to Lois and Peter as teens at a country club]
Lois: Aunt Marguerite, have you seen my towel?
Aunt Marguerite: Have the towel boy bring you another.
Lois: I don't want to bother him.
Aunt Marguerite: Nonsense, dear. You're a Pewterschmidt. [yelling] Towel boy!
Peter: [working as the towel boy, is instantly smitten by Lois] Hi, my name is towel. I have a Peter for you. My name is Peter. I'll be your nipples... Towel boy! Oh, jeez.
Lois: [As Aunt Marguerite arrives at the front door] Okay, everyone. Give Aunt Marguerite a big Griffin family welcome. [opens the door] Aunt Marguerite!
Aunt Marguerite: Lois! [she gasps and falls dead in the doorway]
Lois: [checking her] Oh, my God! She's...she's dead!
Peter: Whoa! Be careful what you wish for, huh, Lois?
[At the funeral home]
Chris: What if they bury her and she wakes up because she wasn't really dead... she was only sleeping?
Meg: Yeah. That's what happened to our big brother Jimmy. That's why Mom and Dad adopted you.
Chris: What?
Lois: Peter, you remember Coco, my friend from Newport?
Coco: Peter, I almost didn't recognize you without a towel on your arm. [laughs] Lois, where are your parents? Don't tell me they're still on safari.